This blog has certainly been the hardest to write of any thus far, and as such we've been putting it off for a while now.
Back in mid-November, we had the incredible opportunity to experience the implant of our first embryo. The process leading up was fairly smooth. Initial scans said we and our GC had done everything right. Her body was doing everything we expected it to and we scheduled our implant day. Both Ben and I got to be in the room for the entire procedure, which really brought us all even closer together.
Honestly, once we were in the room, everything happened so fast. The implanting doctor showed us on the ultrasound where everything would happen. In the procedure room, there is a unique little drive-thru window where the embryologists had thawed and prepared everything for implant. All three of us held hands, a few tears streamed down our faces, beaming smiles from ear to ear.
After a "trial run" where the doctor made a small pocket for our little guy to begin his journey into the world, the embryo was passed through the window and inserted with a literal flash. The technician rewound the ultrasound video and showed the moment of implant. It is a literal momentary flash. And just like that, our journey was more than real.
The Longest Wait
Following implant begins the longest wait we could ever fathom, days of waiting to know if this all worked or not. During this whole process it's been a common theme that Ben and I exchange anxiety. Some days it's bad for him, other days it's a struggle for me. All this to say that these days we didn't have much back and forth, it was all anxiety, all the time.
The first pregnancy test came back positive, but we were given very cautious hope. The numbers were low for as far along as she should be. We would retest in two days and if the numbers didn't at least double it would mean our attempt was unsuccessful.
We began preparation for Thanksgiving. We had plans to host for 12 on Thanksgiving day and an additional 10 just two days later. The day before Thanksgiving, Ben and I are running around together, gathering the finishing touches for our days of festivities. Around 2:30pm, we get the call we'd been waiting for from our doctor. It wasn't good news, and it meant that we would not be celebrating the holidays with joyous announcements of pregnancy.
Our hearts were truly broken as the days kept on. We did our best to keep ourselves busy and to grieve what it was, a loss. We held each other tighter than we ever have. We were filled with grief for our GC and what she was feeling. We experienced immense sadness and strain. But within days we knew we would want to try again. Afterall, this was truly our first setback on this incredible journey we've been through.
Moving through this grief over the past six weeks has truly shown us how much support we have on this journey towards fatherhood.
I (Sean) experienced this firsthand in just the last week as I went through some tough mental health days (All is well and I've taken lot of steps to ensure I have the support I need). My eyes were opened to the outstanding love that surrounds this family. And even if its still only the pair of us humans, we know that soon enough there will be a little one we get to snuggle close. All this grief and hardship has brought Ben and I even closer than before.
Sometimes some darkness makes the light seem even more magical.
You got a problem, buddy?
Well we do have a bit of a problem, and that's we haven't had the time or focus to really give to this blog or to the upcoming fundraising event, The Sutton Special Broadway Show Spectacular. It means we are pushing it back (currently eyeing early May). While this event was initially meant as a thank you, we've now shifted it's timing and focus to also include some more fundraising opportunities with the new added costs of a second transfer.
If you're interested in helping us financially, we will have details regarding the SSBSS in the coming weeks. Everyone has been so generous as we've navigated this and our gratitude is overflowing for each and everyone one of you who have supported and followed along the journey thus far. The next few weeks will be stressful again as we prepare for another implant in February and we ask that you keep us, our families, and our GC and her family in your thoughts and prayers.
Keep those sticky thoughts coming!